So many times in my life, I have told my testimony. Shoot! I’ve even taught others how to share theirs. So many times I think nothing of it, and so many times I know what to leave out, or how to shape the story to how I want to be perceived. Today, this is not the case. While writing this, I fall under great conviction because my story, or my testimony is simply not just MY story, but it is the story of the Lord, and how loving, just, merciful, and gracious HE is. My story isn’t the story of my sin, but it is the story of how the Lord sought me time and time again, and loved me harder and harder than anyone else. It is the story of the Good Shepherd leaving His flock to find me, the lost sheep, when I was at the end of myself. I write, and share, this not to boast in myself, but to boast in the Lord because He is good, and without Him, I am not.
Growing up, I knew the Lord. I was saved at a very young age. I am confident in that salvation. When I was 6, I was baptized in the river, and that was the end of it. I never grew spiritual from there. You see, I grew up in a home where the Bible wasn’t uncommon. I knew Scripture, but I didn’t see it as the Word of God. I knew all the right Sunday schools answers, but I didn’t apply it to my spiritual growth. I knew I was a child of God, but again, I didn’t fully see my true identity in that statement.
While in middle school, I began to seek approval from others. I idolized friendships, and how others viewed me. This lead to a lot of anxiety, and a lot of hiding. I hid everything from everyone. I lied constantly to my family, my friends, and myself. I felt I had to constantly be someone I wasn’t for everyone around me. When I was in ninth grade, my very dramatic self thought my world had been flipped upside down.. The comfort I had was gone. The friendships I idolized ended, and I left so alone. My parents separated for a while which I blamed on myself when I have nothing to do with it, and made me question my every decision. That lead the way to even more anxiety. I began to build up walls, and sought the things that distracted the brokenness I had. Instead of seeking the Lord, I sought school, more friendships, extracurriculars, leadership in the youth group, and anything in between. I wanted to be successful, and someone others could be proud of. This failed.
After high school, the patterns of seeking things to find my identity continued. In college, I ran after this idea of what I wanted to be. I got involved in heavily partying, and wanted to be “that sorority girl.” Alcohol masked the pain, and made myself get the attention I wanted. I was lying to hide that sin from my family, but fully accepting that sin while I was with my “cool college friends.” This lead to so much more brokenness, and I was desperate. I was seeking relationships with boys who manipulated me, and made me feel like an object, but I thought that was better than being alone and single. These things distracted me from my responsibilities. Turns out you have to actually go to class, and do your work in college to pass.. Who knew? My GPA after my first year at Missouri State was a .27, and I was suspended from MSU. I was embarrassed, and so ashamed. Depression and anxiety took over my life. I didn’t have a drinking problem, or a boy problem. I had a sin problem which snowballed into a serious depression, and with that, I began to battle so many suicidal thoughts.
October 31, 2017 is a day I look back on with so much heartbreak, but also so much gratitude towards the Lord. I was going to go out and party with friends. Going into that night, I had the intentions of ending my life with alcohol, or at least escaping for a while. The brokenness I had was too much that I could handle, and the enemy was doing everything he could to pull me away from the Lord. BUT GOD is faithful, and He seeks His people out when we are hurting. The Lord protected me that night. The darkness was too much for me, BUT GOD sees my brokenness and sees my sin. He already has sent His Son to carry that for me. Jesus came down, glorifying God in every way, and fulfilled the promises of a Redeemer. He came to earth humbly, and made a way for our sins, our brokenness, and our wrongs to be covered. He is the Lamb who was slain for my sins, for your sins, and for the sins of this whole stinkin’ world! We don’t deserve that. I don’t deserve that, but the Lord loves us so much that He made a way for us to be able to fellowship with Him through the Holy Spirit.
I write this almost two years ago from that night. That night put into perspective my true need of surrender to the Lord. I was saved when I was young, but I didn’t fully surrender until a few months after Halloween of 2017. I write this with so many emotions. For so long I was ashamed of my story. Now, I see how selfish I was because the sin I was in is not the focus of this; God is! He is the one who shaped my life for Him. The Lord has shaped every part of my life, and looking back I can see Him in every part of my life.
The Lord shaped how I got to Baptist Bible College where I get to serve as a Resident Assistant, and love my girls on my floor. And also through BBC, I get to experience true Biblical community where I do not idolize these friendships, but rather get to grow with my brothers and sisters in Christ. The Lord has shaped how I get to be apart of the church family of Crossway, where I am challenged, supported, loved, and get to serve my local church for the cause of Christ. I say these things not to boast in myself, but to show how faithful, and gracious God is!
If you have reached this far without just exiting out, I thank you for letting me seek the Lord in breaking down my fears to be vulnerable. I thank you for being with me on this journey because I do not have everything figured out, but God is here guiding (or pulling… I’m very stubborn) through everything. Through this I do pray that some will start to see what all this crazy Christian stuff is about, and can see how great the Lord is, and how sovereign He is!